Why Your Child is Shutting Down (and What You Can Do To Help)
“NO!” “I don’t want to!” “I can’t!” “I’m not doing this!” “I won’t!” “I’m so bad at this!” “I’ll never learn to read!” “I read that word already!” “That’s exactly what I said!” “I hate this!” “I hate YOU!”
Phew. We all know that a child shutting down around reading (or anything) is A LOT.
It’s a lot of big feelings for them and for you. And sometimes it can escalate quickly and feel like the meltdown takes on an entire life of its own.
It feels like a loss of control, for you and your little human.
First, breathe. Ground yourself into this moment. Meltdowns happen in absolutely every parent-child relationship. You are not alone. You haven’t done anything wrong.
Now, just for a moment, while you’re not actively witnessing a tantrum that’s both trying your patience and breaking your heart at the same time, let’s talk about the DEEPER meaning of what’s going on for your child when they’re shutting down around reading. (Tender feelings ahead! 💕)
What’s going on for them
The truth is, your child is likely shutting down because they don’t feel safe to try.
It’s not because they just don’t want to, or are giving you a hard time, or don’t feel like it in this moment. Most likely, they don’t feel safe to make a mistake in front of you.
They don’t feel safe to be “imperfect”. They don’t feel safe to mess up in your presence.
They don’t trust that they’re allowed to be messy. They may not say it, but they feel scared.
They feel there’s a chance that being less than good enough in this moment (messing up on a word or making a mistake while reading) will cause them to lose your love. And that’s a terrifying possibility, especially for a child.
A child that’s this overwhelmed doesn’t feel safe in their body.
Tears, yelling, throwing, stomping, leaving – these are all just symptoms of a lack of safety. Of not feeling seen, heard, or understood for how scary and overwhelming this is for them in this moment.
It IS scary to try something new, something you might not be good at right away. And it’s especially frightening to do that in front of your parent, the one person whose love matters most to you in this world.
That fear of getting it “wrong” in front of you is what’s going on for your child.
What’s going on for you
There’s likely a lot going on at the surface for you during this time – frustration, impatience, maybe yelling, withdrawal. Maybe even heartbreak at reading being so tough for your child. Perhaps you’re feeling the pressure yourself.
First, I want to tell you that you haven’t done anything wrong.
You really want your child to read. You really want them to get it “right”, or at least keep trying. Of course you do, reading is really important!
And the deeper truth of the matter is, you may relate to some of those big feelings your child is experiencing.
Maybe to YOU it also doesn’t feel safe to not be perfect all the time. Making a mistake in front of someone else, feeling weak or needing help, can feel overwhelmingly vulnerable for anyone. Especially if you weren’t allowed your full experience as a child.
Maybe you relate to that feeling of not wanting to come off as vulnerable, imperfect, or messy in front of others.
Whether it’s pressure you’re putting on yourself or your child, whether you’re consciously choosing it or not, it’s palpable and it doesn’t feel good for either of you.
And yet, the prospect of your child not learning to read “on time” feels terrifying. If they fall behind now, it feels like they’ll never catch up. That is scary.
Your child is scared to get it wrong. You’re scared they’ll never get it right. The fear on both sides is getting in the way of loving connection and the joy of reading.
What can you do to help?
In order for you to both exhale, to fully release the pressure, it’s important to keep in mind that your child doesn’t have to get it perfectly right in this one moment.
Your child doesn’t have to be completely accurate at sounding out every time or recognize every sight word in context.
They’re practicing! Mistakes are part of the process! All that matters is that they try.
You know that. But it can be hard to remember in the moment.
It can be hard to release the pressure on yourself and your child, especially if you’ve had a tough day already or there are a lot of other factors draining your resources.
If you’re holding pressure internally, your child will feel it. Even if your words say “I don’t care if you get it right, I only care if you try”, your child will feel the pressure in your presence.
That’s why I recommend these three tools to help you and your child release the pressure, lighten the mood, and prevent meltdowns:
Practice through games!
Play takes the pressure off everyone. And less pressure means less meltdowns. Play takes away performance anxiety and gives your child a safe space for risk taking. Plus, you can embody the role of cheerleader or fun opponent instead of teacher or authoritarian. Everyone has fun when they’re playing! No pressure, it’s just a game! This works like magic for practicing isolated skills (letters, words) and that’s what makes reading feel easier. There are endless games you can play with letters, words, and sounds. Need ideas? Check out my favorites!
Move your bodies!
Taylor Swift got a lot right with “Shake it off!”. The key is to get you and your child out of anxiety, stress, and frustration, and into some good ol’ fashion fun. You can do this through dance, Simon Says, catch, stretching, or literally just shaking. Remember: Anxiety lives in the mind, but calm lives in the body. Want to help your child feel better and break their fight-or-flight response to making a mistake? Move your bodies! Better yet, do it BEFORE you read or practice letters so that you both feel good and can move into reading in a pressure-free way.
Try it, it’s fun!
Set a tone of emotional safety
This one is by far the most important (ah pressure, yikes!). Luckily, it’s also going to happen easily and organically if you follow the other two steps above. But, if your child is shutting down around reading or avoiding trying when you know they can and you sense that they’re nearing a meltdown, try validating their experience first.
It IS scary trying something new, and probably making a mistake, in front of your parent. Tell them that you understand that.
You’ve made mistakes in front of people before. You know it doesn’t feel great. Be human! Exhale, release the tension from your body, and tell your child that you know it can feel uncomfortable to try new things, that you’re there for them, and that it’s okay to mess up. You can say “I know it can feel scary, but it’s okay if you make a mistake. Just keep going!” or “If you get stuck, I’ll help you” or “Tell me when you want me to read”.
Give them support. Give them permission to make a mistake. Give them an out for when it gets to be too much. If you validate their feelings and remind them of that emotional safety, I promise their willingness to try will shift and meltdowns will gradually melt away. And if you’re stuck in the middle of a meltdown and have no idea what to do, check out some of my most helpful tools!
I’d love to hear how these tools work for you. Let me know in the comments below so I can cheer you on!
You’ve got this and I’ve got you!
Cheering you on!
xo,
Hi! I’m Cara
I’m a reading specialist and parent coach. I show you how to take the struggle out of reading at home.
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