What To Do When Your Child is Having a Meltdown (and 1 Thing NOT To Do)

Sometimes, no matter how calm you are, no matter how much patience you exercise, and no matter what you do to prevent it, reading with your child will still lead to meltdowns.

Even if you’re practicing through play, moving your bodies, taking steps to reduce anxiety before reading, setting a climate of emotional safety, and trying to maintain every ounce of inner peace you can, your child will still get overwhelmed, lack emotional regulation, struggle to communicate what’s going on for them, and end up in full on meltdown mode.

It’s just a fact of life. They’re a child! And believe it or not, children learn through tantrums.

When this happens, you need to have an arsenal of simple and effective tools to help you and your child move through it as quickly and painlessly as possible.

What works?

The truth is, while it may seem counterintuitive, the most effective tools are not designed to take your child’s big feelings away.

The tools that work best are ones that actually allow your child to feel the emotion.

It may seem strange, but trust me: your child’s feelings will pass much faster this way.

Remember, reading is hard work when it doesn’t come naturally. And it can trigger all kinds of overwhelm, frustration, embarrassment, self-consciousness, and low self-worth as a result. Enter tantrums, refusal, screaming, even hitting and kicking at times.

It makes so much sense that you’d want to stop the discomfort of these behaviors ASAP. But what actually works is letting your child feel it in very specific ways.

How I know it works

When I was a young reading specialist, I did what most of us do in these moments: try to minimize the outburst, distract with something pleasant, and generally do whatever I could to take away the uncomfortable, “negative” feelings.

But it never seemed to work long term. I saw the same children shut down in the same ways over and over again.

Until one day, I took a child behavior seminar. This was well before emotional regulation or conscious parenting were talked about much in the mainstream, so it seemed a bit woo-woo at the time, but what the leader of the seminar shared made so much sense to me.

She emphasized that life isn’t about being happy all the time. It’s about being comfortable and safe experiencing the full range of human emotion. And it’s our jobs as adults to allow that to feel safe for our children.

Our children aren’t born with emotional regulation. It’s our jobs to teach it to them.

But it’s not our jobs to take the feelings away, because that does the exact opposite: it sends children the message that their big feelings are unsafe. Then they learn to push down, or suppress, their feelings – eventually leading to BIGGER eruptions down the line.

The psychologist leading the seminar shared simple things to say when a child is in the throes of emotional overwhelm. They were so simple I couldn’t believe they would actually work. But I came back to the clinic where I was employed at the time committed to giving it a try.

I memorized the few simple phrases word-by-word and said them verbatim the next time I had a student having a meltdown.

And what happened? You guessed it – surprisingly, it worked.

I remember this particularly endearing chestnut-haired 7 year old throwing pens, ripping up flashcards, and then slamming his head against the wall in protest because the reading exercises felt so challenging at the time.

Not so endearing to witness in the moment, but my heart truly went out to him. I did everything I could to stay calm internally (which took some serious effort) and recited what I had learned.

“I see that you’re feeling frustrated. It’s okay to be upset, but it’s not okay to hit your head against the wall. You can press your hands into mine instead.”

And he did, with the weight of his entire little body and even some small grunts of frustration. And in disbelief (his and mine), his full on meltdown passed in seconds.

Now, this wasn’t a one-time miracle. But using this language over and over again changed my entire experience with students who were prone to shutting down.

Gradually, just gradually, they started to communicate their feelings before they got to a point of full meltdown. And before you knew it, these “difficult” students were consistently productive, having fun, and telling everyone I was their favorite teacher at the clinic.

Which felt strange because all I really did to earn that title was take my own deep breaths and learn to endure a few minutes of massive discomfort while they felt their feelings.

But the effectiveness of these tools led to me consistently working with the most difficult students the clinic enrolled. I used the same lines over and over and had the same success.

And now, these are the magic words I’m going to share with you.

I’ve integrated my own touches over the years to extend a bit beyond just naming the feeling, but I’ve kept the language equally as simple.

Make it work for you

Magic words? Yup! We teach our kids to recite “magic words” because learning a few simple things to say shifts the experience. Why can’t we do the same?

I’m excited to share these phrases with you because I know they work.

And because having a few go-to things to say when your child is in this state is a game changer.

I’m keeping this intentionally simple – a list of exact quotes without a lot of explanation – so that you can focus on internalizing these phrases.

Commit to saying a few of them and not much else the next time your child shuts down and watch your experience shift.

Just keep in mind, this may not feel fully natural or authentic at first and that’s okay.

These phrases can feel hard to implement or counterintuitive, especially if you weren’t parented this way yourself. But trust that it’s just new. Like a pair of shoes that takes breaking in, it will get more comfortable with time.

Practice keeping your own internal state regulated (deeeep breaths) and saying one of these things (or a few of them, if you can) next time your child shuts down.

And be proud of yourself for your efforts! It’s not easy to keep your cool and offer emotional validation when your child is in a heightened state and you just want it to stop.

It is SO natural for this to feel wildly uncomfortable at first. But it is so worth it.

Acknowledge the effort you’re putting into doing this differently. And know that I’m cheering you on.

You’re practicing letting your child feel their big feelings and loving them through it. That’s some pretty impressive parenting.

Just pick one or two things to say next time your child shuts down, and keep going. You’ve got this!

Things To Say When…

And one thing NOT to do

While I avoid telling parents what NOT to do (just like children, we’re human and we often move towards the stimulus when someone tells us “no”), this one thing is important enough to share:

Try to avoid using LOGIC, which usually comes in the form of lots of language/conversation. You’ll know you’re using logic if you feel like you’re trying to convince or reason with your child in any way, shape, or form.

Meltdowns, tantrums, and big feelings are NOT logical, they’re emotional.

And any language that tries to reason with a child in this state will only stimulate them more and escalate their – and your – distress.

All your child needs during a tantrum is safety. Less language, more presence, stillness, and reassurance that you are there for them. The feelings will pass on their own, I promise.

It’s safe for them to feel it. It’s safe for you to allow it. Just breathe and be there.

Need help handling your child’s meltdowns around reading? Share in the comments below. I’m here to help.

You’ve got this and I’ve got you!

Cheering you on!

xo,