Teach Your Child HOW to Struggle (Successfully!)

Have you noticed that your child is totally unwilling to struggle?

That the minute something is hard, they instantly give up?

If your child is shutting down (refusing, running away, melting down, distracting, non-responding), it is likely because they don’t feel SAFE in the process of struggling with something hard.

Let’s be honest, it doesn’t feel good to struggle. But it’s necessary for growth.

Learning something new requires it. Even something that comes naturally will require struggle to get to the next level, ask any professional athlete.

We as adults learn ways to hold ourselves through the discomfort of the struggle (and boy is it a process!)

The meltdown is your child’s way to avoid the struggle. To get away from it. It’s literally fight or flight.

They haven’t learned HOW to struggle successfully yet.

We want your child to move towards struggle (or reframe: conquering a challenge!), not away from it.

That’s why the magic ✨ comes in creating a safe space for your child to struggle.

A space where struggling feels like part of the growth, the meat of the process, where the learning happens. A space that shows your child HOW to struggle successfully.

A safe space for struggling is one where:

Struggle is NORMALIZED

It’s cool to be an imperfect human. We all are! Normalize struggle and normalize yourself. Remind your child that struggle is just a part of life when something is new. No biggie!

“Learning something new feels so uncomfortable sometimes! Remember the first time we got to that Mario level and we had to try it SO many times?!” or share a story from your own life. I tried skiing for the first time at 34 years old and it felt awful. I was wildly uncomfortable. Or, as an adult, I still don’t ride a bike. I tell this to my students ALL. THE. TIME. Normalize yourself. Remind your child that you’re human too. Feel the relief as you both exhale.

Your child is CHEERED ON

Be a compassionate cheerleader. Hold yourself accountable for doing nothing but cheering them on. Don’t tell them the answer, don’t jump in and correct them. Just watch what they do like you’re at a sporting event and you’re cheering for your favorite player. “Go! Go! You’ve got this! Keep going! Amazing! WOW!” This might require you to hold back significantly from what you’re used to, but it allows them to struggle and receive support in the process.

They OPT IN ON THEIR TERMS

Controlled choice for the win always! They pick the book. They pick who reads first. They pick how much they’re willing to read. Let them show you what they’re willing to do. It will increase their willingness to struggle exponentially.

They KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN

Remind them of what’s going to happen after they’ve made their terms clear. “Great, I’m going to read two pages first, then it will be your turn. If you get stuck on a word just say HELP! and I’ll help you.” And make sure to respect their boundaries. Don’t push for them reading a 3rd page if you agreed they would read two. Give them the word when they say Help. Don’t require surprise struggle or they will lose trust in your promises.

They have an OUT (or BREAKS when they need it)

Tell them they can ask for help. Or make a Help button! And tell them how they can ask for a break. “When you need a break you can just say ‘I need a break!’ and I’ll take over”. Read their body language (fidgeting, squirming, slumping, sighing) and give them a break before they ask if they need it. It might take a while before they feel comfortable verbalizing it or understand that it’s truly okay.

They are PRAISED FOR EFFORT

Again, pretend you’re at a sporting event watching your favorite player “Wow! That was amazing! You JUST KEPT GOING!” “You’re amazing, you NEVER GAVE UP!” “OMG, that word has 7 letters in it and you handled it like a champ!” Praise the process, not the outcome.

Remember, struggle is the WILLINGNESS to engage with something hard. It’s necessary, over and over again, to learn to read.

You can show your child how to struggle successfully!

You’ve got this and I’ve got you!